Recently we were given some information from friends in the local adoption community regarding attachment & bonding. Although we had read information about it when preparing for the adoption, we wished we would have had this specific article before we left. In hindsight, we should have informed ourselves better and should have shared this info with family and friends before our trip, but better late than never.
Letter to Family & Friends
Some adoptive parents find it helpful to send a short letter to family & friends in anticipation of the child’s attachment needs. Although Maelin has already arrived, we still feel this is beneficial information for everyone to have as it helps to explain why we are so cautious with her.
Dear Family and Friends,
As we have prepared for the arrival of our daughter, we have learned that while decorating the nursery and stocking up on baby essentials is important, even more important is the emotional health of our baby.
In her short life, Maelin has gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle. Imagine how much harder the changes have been for her. While she may not consciously remember the events, she will still experience immense loss, including feelings of grief and trauma.
She has already experienced the loss of a birthmother and has experienced the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of her birth country. Her world has been turned upside down. She will struggle with feeling safe and secure and she may lack the ability to trust that we will meet her needs.
We have prepared as best as we can to meet her emotional needs by speaking with other families who have gone through the same things and by attending seminars offered by our adoption facilitator and social worker. Maelin still does need to learn that we will always take care of her and we will always keep her safe.
We need your support in order to form a strong and healthy attachment. We will allow her to regress so that she has the opportunity to go through all of the emotional stages with us despite her age. Although it may appear that we are spoiling her at times, we have been advised that it is best that we, her parents, meet every need quickly and consistently. Until she has learned that we are her parents, we will need to be her primary caretakers at all times. It is essential that we always hold her, feed her, and do all of the nurturing. You may wonder how long this will take, but the timeline is different for every child. We will follow her lead and trust our instincts as her parents rather than worry about what society expects.
We have all been waiting anxiously for our daughter to arrive (for years), but she has not been waiting for us and was not prepared for her life to change so drastically. She may show her grief and confusion in many ways and we are prepared to help her through it and prove that we are a forever family and this truly is her last stop. We trust that as our family and friends, you will help us to do what is best for our daughter, and we thank you in advance for your support and understanding.
Sincerely,
Mike, Cheryl & Maelin
Do’s & Don’ts for Family & Friends
Do:
1. Do offer household help (running errands, preparing meals that can go right from the freezer to the oven, etc.) during the initial arrival home to help family cope with time change, and baby’s adapting to new home.
2. Do trust the mother's instincts. Even a first time mother may notice subtle symptoms or clues that well-meaning family and friends may not notice. Family and Friends may feel that the child has fully adapted to all of the changes, but this may not be the case.
3. Do accept that attachment issues are difficult for anyone outside of the parents of the child to see and understand. They are the ones who have been with the child since day one of leaving the orphanage and know what is her normal behaviour and what is not.
4. Do be supportive even if you think everything looks fine to you.
5.Do allow the parents to be the center of the baby's world. One grandfather, when greeting his grandson, immediately turned him back to his mom and said positive statements about his good mommy.
6. Do tell the baby every time you see her, that she has a good/loving/safe mommy and daddy.
7. When the parents need someone to care for the baby for a night out, offer to babysit in the child's home. (After the child has been home for a substantial period of time.)
8. As hard as it may be for you, abide by the requests of the parents. Even if the baby looks like he really wants to be with Grandma, for example, he needs to have a strong attachment to his parents first. Something as simple as passing the baby from one person to another and allowing others, even grandparents, to hold a baby who is not "attached" can make the attachment process that much longer and harder. Some parents have had to refrain from seeing certain family members or friends because they did not respect the parents' requests.
9.Do accept that parenting children who are at-risk for or who suffer from attachment issues goes against traditional parenting methods and beliefs. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.
10.Do remember that there is often a honeymoon period after the child arrives. Many babies do not show signs of grief, distress, or anxiety until months after they come home. If the parents are taking precautions, they are smart and should be commended and supported!
Don't:
1. Don’t assume an infant is too young to suffer from emotional issues related to attachment. Babies are not immune.
2. Don’t underestimate a new mother's instincts that something isn't right.
3. Don’t judge the mother or father's parenting abilities. What looks like spoiling or coddling may be exactly what the child needs to overcome a serious attachment disorder. Parenting methods that work for many children can be detrimental to a child with attachment issues.
4. Don’t make excuses for the child's behaviors or try to make the mother feel better by calling certain behaviors "normal". For example, many children who suffer from attachment issues may be labeled strong-willed by well-meaning family members. While being strong-willed can be seen as a positive personality trait, this type of behavior in an attachment-impaired child may signify problems.
5. Don’t accuse the parents of being overly sensitive or neurotic(regarding attachment and bonding). They are in a position to see subtle symptoms that others would not necessarily notice.
6. Don’t take it personally if asked to step back so the parents can help their child heal and form a healthy and secure attachment. You may be asked not to hold the baby for more than a minute, or asked not to take the child directly out of the parents’ view.
This is not meant to hurt you. It is meant to help prove to the baby who her mommy and daddy are, they need to know this before they can even begin to bond with any other family members.
Up until now the child's experience has been that mommies are replaceable. Allowing people to hold the baby before she has accepted who her forever mommy and daddy are can be detrimental to the attachment process.
7. Don’t put your own timeframes on how long attachment should take. One mother was hurt when she was chastised by a relative who couldn't understand...after all, the baby had been home six months. It could take weeks, months, even years. Every child is different.
8. Don’t offer traditional parenting advice. An adopted child, especially one from a foreign country has very different needs than a non-adopted child…traditional parenting advice may be of little of no benefit to an adopted child’s parents.
Some well-meaning family members will tell a new mother not to pick the baby up every time he cries because it will spoil him. A child who is at-risk or who suffers from attachment issues must be picked up every single time he/she cries, this helps them learn to trust their new parents and to feel safe with them. She needs consistent reinforcement that her mommy/daddy will always take care of her.
9. Don’t Fall into the appearance trap. Some babies/toddlers with attachment issues can put on a great show to those outside of the mother/father. What you see is not always a true picture of the child. Even babies as young as 6-months-old are capable of “putting on a good face” in public. In other words, it may appear as though they are fully attached, when they actually are not…
10. Don’t lose hope. With the right kind of parenting and therapy, a child with attachment issues or at great risk of having attachment issues can learn to trust and have healthy relationships throughout their lives. But it does take a lot of work and a good understanding of what these children need from the parents and all family members.
